Little. Old. Me.

…not really.

In which our hero shares embarrassing and humorous anecdotes about his sexuality and orientation.

So I had two drams last night that I can remember. Both were memorable, and firsts — of their kind. One was pleasant and one was a nightmare (which is odd, because I so rarely have nightmares). In one of the two dreams I was running top speed, as fast as I can. And I was actually running — I woke up and my feet were pumping away; Biker Chick woke up next to me, scared that I was having a seizure. I calmed her down and told her I just had a running dream. In the other, earlier dream, I was getting a blowjob and it felt really good. Can you guess which one was the nightmare?

If you guessed the running dream, you guessed wrong. In that dream I was in some sort of competition, and Biker Chick and I were running to grab some kind of prize or token. I was running full out trying to beat her. It was fun and free feeling — you know that feeling when you’re just running full tilt, the wind in your face, the landscape flying by? Yeah. It was a pleasant dream; it was odd that I was acting it out in real life, but no harm, no foul.

In the other dream, I was getting a blowjob, Biker Chick was there, but she wasn’t performing the blowjob. The person giving me the blowjob was a nameless, faceless person. But it felt really good, and I was getting close to cumming, but I was terrified — mortified — that I was going to cum. You see, in my dream, the person performing the blowjob was a man.

I hear you laughing now, dear readers. I know where this came from; you see, Biker Chick has a bit of a thing for watching men get it on. She’s told me that it makes her hot to think about. She’s dropped little hints that if I wanted to “experiment,” she’d be game to watch. I’m… tremendously uninterested, but I was playing devil’s advocate about it recently, and I was thinking… okay, I don’t want to suck a cock. And I don’t want anal sex (receiving or giving). But what about receiving a blowjob from a guy? Hmm…

So, I decided that I still wasn’t interested, because either one of two things would happen; either I wouldn’t like it, in which case it was an embarrassing incident for nothing. Or, worse, I would like it, and that would make me gay!

Of course, that’s kind of silly. A well-performed blowjob is going to physically feel good, no matter who does it. And who knows, guys might be better at it — you own the equipment, you know how to take care of it, and all that. But, but, but… liking to have a guy suck my dick makes me gay!

Well, no. I have never in my life looked at a man and become sexually aroused. I can appreciate male beauty, in a distant sort of way, but it’s the same way I look at a statue — it might be pretty, but it ain’t giving me a boner. And the thought of performing oral sex or anal sex with a man actively repulses me. I’m not gay.

I guess it’s just homophobia, really. I’m worried that somehow something like this could turn me gay. And honestly, I like women too much to be gay, so at “worst” I’d be bi (yes, I know “worst” is a value-laden word). And what’s so horrible about being bi? I mean if nothing else, I’d be more comfortable with my sexuality, and that’s always good, right?

I’m homophobic in the personal sense, not the political sense. I fully support the right of gays to marry, be parents, and have all the same rights and privileges that hetero couples have. I think that whatever sex consenting adults choose is their business, not mine and not the state’s. I’m not anti-gay; my homophobia is just the old-school version — I’m afraid of Teh Gay. More specifically, I’m afraid that it might rub off on me (insert dirty jokes about “rubbing off,” here).

Folks, I’m not gay. I’m not bi. I’m not even very effeminate. But I am, sadly, a touch homophobic.